To Singles - Or To Everyone

Are "should" and "ought" Blocking Your Path to Love?

How to overcome three intentional roadblocks to love

By Kathryn Lord Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Nov 25, 2007

Have you heard yourself saying things like "I should be thinking about my Sweetheart 24/7 or I must not be in love" or "I should know if he (or she) is the right one for me"? Or how about "We should have... (fill in the blank: the same sense of humor, a similar background, or compatible taste in furniture)"?

I find that lots of singles have rules that guide their love life. Some rules make good sense (like only dating people who are really single and available, economically stable, and live within the law). But many rules are unrealistic, harsh, or based on romantic myths. Then these singles end up comparing their dates with their guidelines, sensible or not, and making life decisions that have enormous consequences.

I am a romance coach, but I have also been a psychotherapist for over 30 years. I learned long ago to listen carefully to the language my clients use when they talk about themselves and their lives. In particular, I'd watch for the words "should" and "ought."

What's wrong with 'should' and 'ought'

While exceedingly and commonly used, "should" and "ought" could easily be eliminated from our vocabulary. At the very least, we would all feel a lot better. Should and ought are guilt-producing words: "I should spend more time with my mother," "I really ought to lose some weight." The sayer doesn't really intend to do what he is shoulding or oughting. If so, he'd say, "I will spend more time with Mom," or "I'm going to start dieting today."

Shoulding and oughting are like giving yourself a lash on the back: You are punishing yourself with your "I should" or "I ought" statements. Your guilt is eased with your punishment, making it possible to go on with your life, while never following through with what you said you should or ought to do.

In the case of love, shoulds and oughts give us a way out when we need it, just like being picky. Looking for love is loaded with anxiety: "What if it doesn't work?" "What if I find out I don't really love her?" "What if he finds out about (you fill in the blank)?" When your anxiety screams for relief, pulling out a good old should or ought can provide your escape hatch.

Top 'shoulds' and 'oughts': Road blocks to love

Let's look at some common shoulds and oughts more closely, so that we can see the errors in thinking:

1. "I should be thinking about my Sweetheart 24/7 or I must not be in love." Odd as it may sound, some people never feel the intoxicating sensations we think of as "being in love." The ability to fall in love is on a continuum: Some people fall in and out of love very easily, some people never do. Most of us are somewhere in between. Those people who never "fall in love" are still quite capable of loving and forming relationships. If you find yourself waiting for the "in love" sensation which never comes, the "I should be thinking about my Sweetheart 24/7 or I must not be in love" could keep you permanently single.

2. "I should know if he (or she) is the right one for me." Really? How? Of course there are better or worse choices, but assuming that your date meets your criteria of "good person" and the two of you enjoy each other, seem compatible, and don't irritate the heck out of each other, what more do you need? This "should" may be connected to your "falling in love" ability: If you are able to "fall in love," that biochemical process (it's like being drunk or high) helps surge you forward into a permanent relationship and over any questions or doubts.

3. "We should share the same ... (fill in the blank)." Why? One of the wonderful parts about finding a life partner is all the things that he or she knows and you don't, or is and you are not. Think of what you can learn from the differences. Or what you won't have to learn because your partner already knows. Yes, some similarity is good, but why would you want someone just like you? You may be pretty terrific, but how boring would it be to be married to your carbon copy!

So pay attention to your inner thoughts about love and your dates. If "should" or "ought" crop up in your thinking, take note and challenge yourself. You may have set up a condition that is road-blocking your search for love.

P.S. If worrying about a new partner discovering some secret of yours is keeping you from pursuing love, find out how to deal with your worst in my article "Do You Have a Secret? How to Tell Your Sweetheart Your Worst." I'll send it when you subscribe to my free email newsletter at Find-A-Sweetheart.com.

Learn To Let Go

All from Bill Ferguson's - Master of Life (As Featured on Oprah)

Letting go is the key to flowing with life and the key to having life work.

At any moment, your life is exactly the way that it is. You are the way you are and the people in your life are exactly the way that they are. This is true whether you like it or not.

When you fight and resist the way your life is, you create a state of fear, upset and tunnel vision that destroys your effectiveness and almost always makes your situation worse.

To handle a situation, you need action, not resisting.

If you could somehow let go of your resisting, you would restore both your peace of mind and your ability to see clearly. You could then take the action you need to effectively handle this area of your life.

"Letting go" is the inner action that restores your peace of mind and allows you to see what needs to be done. It's the key to restoring your effectiveness.

The moment you let go, everything seems to change. With the fear and upset gone, you see your situation clearly. You become creative and able to discover solutions you could never have seen before.

To begin the process of letting go, let's look at the nature of fear.

Fear is created by avoiding and resisting a future event. For example, let's say that you are married and that you are resisting the possibility of your spouse leaving.

The more you resist this future event, the greater your fear. The greater your fear, the more you feel threatened and the more you hang on. This in turn pushes your spouse further and further away.

By avoiding and resisting this future possible event, you create a state of fear, upset and tunnel vision. You then act in a way that tends to bring you the very event that you are avoiding.

To have a fear lose its power, you need to do the opposite of resisting. You need to be willing for the fear to happen. You don't have to like it, just be willing.

Keep in mind that letting go is strictly a state of mind and is totally separate from your actions. Letting go is what removes the fear, upset and tunnel vision so that you can see what action you need to take.

For example, if you have a fear of losing your spouse, be willing for your spouse to leave. Do this in your heart as a state of mind, but in your actions, do everything you can to make sure it doesn’t happen.

“I love my wife and I don’t want to lose her. I’ll do everything I can to make sure she feels so loved that she would never want to leave, but if she goes, she goes.”

The moment you become willing to lose your spouse, the fear and upset lose power. The tunnel vision disappears and you become able to interact in a way that creates love and greatly increases the chances of the person staying.

Be sure and read the example at the bottom of the page.

To let go of your resistance and to restore your peace of mind, be willing for your life to be however it is and however it may become. You don't have to like it, just be willing.

You do this by granting permission. "I am willing for my spouse to leave." "I give my spouse full permission to be exactly the way he or she is." "I am willing to lose my job."

Let go of your demands and expectations for how your life should be and make peace with the way your life is. Set yourself free inside. Then take whatever action you need to have your life be great.

To make the process of letting go a little easier, there are two things you can do:

The first is trust. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay. Now this doesn't mean that life will turn out the way that you want it to. Life often doesn't. Trust is knowing that however life turns out, you will be fine.

When you know that you will be fine, no matter what happens, letting go becomes relatively easy. As you let go, you restore your effectiveness and life works out great. This then reinforces the trust.

When you don't trust, life becomes threatening. You fight, resist, hang on, and withdraw. You then make everything worse, which reinforces "don't trust."

Trust is actually a choice. Trust is something you create. It's a declaration. "I will be okay no matter what happens. I trust, just because I say so."

Trust is also telling the truth. You really will be fine no matter what happens. You have had difficult times before and you have made it through every one of them.

Life is only threatening when you resist. So stop resisting and trust. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be fine.

The second and most important step in the process of letting go is to be willing to feel the hurt. This is important because it's the automatic avoidance of this hurt that forces us to resist.

We think that we're resisting our circumstances but we're not. We are resisting all the feelings and emotion that are being reactivated by our circumstances.

More accurately, we are resisting a very specific hurt from the past. We are resisting the hurt of feeling not good enough, worthless, not worth loving, or some other form of being not okay.

Once you find and heal this hurt, the need to resist or hang on disappears. You can then let go and take the action you need to effectively handle your situation. Finding and healing this hurt is one of the most important things you can ever do.

This hurt is responsible for all your fear and all your upsets. It is responsible for all your self-sabotaging behavior patterns and ultimately, all of your suffering.

To learn how to heal this hurt and to be more able to flow with life, make sure you read the next two sections, Be Willing To Feel Your Hurt and Heal Your Inner Core Issues.

If you would like to heal your hurt and restore your peace of mind quickly, schedule a consulting session with Bill Ferguson or attend Bill's weekend workshop, Return To The Heart.

The Mastery Of Life Audio Course and Bill's book, Get Your Power Back, also show you how to find and heal this hurt.

twenty seven months

how long has it been, hmmm, twenty seven months and counting.

we hardly see each other now because of being really busy at work and all the things that are occupying our schedule for the past months - not to mention - Christmas time. But we still managed to celebrate a bit. we had a stroll in MOA and a delightful dinner in Pier One. That restaurant never fails to satisfy our palates - we had a sumptuous meal over some important chit chats and catching up. After that, we headed to starbucks for dessert and coffee - mwahahaha, yes - I do look so big now - so what! hahaha

How long do we have kaya?? hmmm, i wonder.

cheers to the past years!

Spice Girls Runway Reunion

photos copyrighted by Yahoo! OMG

JePun Pali

Have you pampered yourself lately?

I have been really wanting to have a body scrub and body massage ever since I started working and that was like - 3 years ago! At long last, haha, out of nowhere, nakapagpaganon ako - akalain mo. Here's how it goes...

My bf and I went to MOA to do the usual "date" - hehehe, we didn't shop or anything like that kasi we don't want to carry anything with us while strolling. We went to Big Apple Express Spa to try a massage with hopefully a scrub - pero wala eh. Super affordable ung massage nila that would go for 45 - 60 minutes. May discount din lahat ng peeps from TTECH. So everyone out there who's stressed and tired as I am - go kayo din - very nice kahit maliit lang ung place nila. Actually wala sa hinagap na we will be doing this today kasi hindi naman talaga kami prepared ni Marvin. But I wanted a body scrub talaga more than anything else that day - so we walked around pa. Then I remembered, meron nga palang JePun Pali sa South Side - Parking Lot ng MOA - so off we went. I find it so affordable - and in short we availed of the product, err service.

We availed of the Massage and Scrub in Salt and Oil - it was therapeutic. The ambiance was made to set your mood to relax even just for a while. The corridors and even the reception were all lighted just enough to sooth the relaxed atmosphere that you're expecting. We had to reserve first when we went there and then had our merienda - dinner then went back. We just waited for a couple of minutes and they were set for us. :) -- sorry naman, first time!

Marvin and I stayed in an adjoining room. Our nice attendants accommodated us pretty well. We changed onto our towels and bathrobe and went to the Sauna. I couldn't imagine that sauna is that hot. It was something else I couldn't explain. I know what sauna is but I didn't expect it's more than hot - man, it's not steam or anything close - I think I was burning. :p Anyway, that sauna is supposed to make me sweat, but nope - just a bit I guess, but not exactly sweating like marvin - haha. I had to cover my face with my towel - maybe because I have done several treatments na for my face. Anyway, 15minutes lang naman sya - but really, super init!!! After that, we had a quick shower, syempre separate. Then we were brought back to the original room were we where before. I had to put on this disposable bikini under my towel :p First the whole body massage then the scrub, then we had shower. After the shower, we were given complimentary drinks. Lastly, they applied lotion. Wag nang details - hahaha, super hindi ako masyado ready to reveal my body to the attendant - ewan kung anong nakita nya sa katawan ko - nakakaloka!!

Pero happy ako. My skin was so nice after the treatment and we can do this daw at least every once a week - goodluck di ba! But definitely, we'll be back for some more!

KC - The New Bayo Model

KC is the new endorser of BAYO, really nice. I LOVE Bayo and I'm loving it more - shop na!
Pinay - and Proud!

Making a Difference...

For all of you out there who are just like me....

http://www.makeadifferencemovie.com


..... sorry, for some reason, I can't embed it on my page. Please click on the link :)

A Gratifying Day

Today is one of those many days where GOD ultimately shows me how blessed I am, with my work, with my everyday experiences, with my life.

Let's start of by saying THANK YOU for pulling this training through. God knows how hard it was being in Melbourne and working our assess out completing a training that doesn't even sound close to any of the familiar terms we've known. Many people thought it's a nice experience. It was actually - after all, we went to a foreign land with full expense paid - and that's simply one of a kind. This training wouldn't have been possible without the help of Mydz, Marcia and the people really helping me and assisting me always. To my kids who have been really understanding and supportive. My kids are amazing, God knows how I look so stupid every time in front of them but they didn't make me feel that way - such lovely and nice people.

Next, thank you to ever dearest Marcia for being so supportive. Our company has been running 5 phases already and from the very beginning - nothing started so smoothly. Marcia was there to support me all throughout and never reluctantly help me in running the class. Funny how God creates the path to make Whites and Browns meet in an absolutely splendid way. I don't know if I'm making sense but I just love it.

Thank you because finally my finances can be covered.. because finally - and hopefully - it's coming through.

My family for being supportive with every decision I make in my life - mistakes or not - they're there.

LORD! - Thank you for giving my kuya the job that he and my mom has been praying for. Give him strength to pull everything through.

To my honey who's always there for me for everything. I love you.

My kids, my recent trainees - if you can read this - THANK YOU for the gift of the bag. :) Hehe, I love bags y'all. :) hehehe Honestly, THANK YOU for the gift of friendship. My classes have never been the same - it's always different every time. There were times that I just cry out of frustration, there have been several times that I walk out of the room, there were times that I conduct make up classess because I have students who can't follow the lessons.... but my kids proved their different. They were light-hearted, participative, funny. They were always there in the room in complete attendance - Sherwin and James -- thanks for staying in the class even if you don't feel well. My kids are just amazing. This is the only class I have been really thankful for because I was their trainer. Magagalit siguro makakabasa nito na past student ko - but again, each of my class is different. I simply thank you because I was at my worst - I swear. Even if I have my hang-ups being a trainer, you guys were still cooperative. Even during the last minute of the test, no one failed me. If there's someone to be proud at this moment - it's me... who met people that are truly wonderful. I couldn't say anything more - thank you, thank you and thank you. I hope one way or another, we have touched each other's lives - cause you did surely touch mine. Again, thanks for the gift of friendship and learning experience. Till next time around guys. :)

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Remarkable isn't it? Simple things in life are the ones that are really valuable - it's a matter of perception.

THANK YOU ALL.


loving life,
mae